March 13, 2018 – My energy normally fluctuates. This piece was written over a period encompassing numerous cycles of said fluctuation.
I’m sitting here typing—trying to write a haibun. The problem is that the medication is getting in the way of my brainwaves. When I’m in my manic state, thoughts flow over the dam in a steady stream. In my supposedly-appropriately-medicated state, the proverbial spillway seems to run a bit dry.
blackened fog
hides the moonlit sky . . .
moths gather in the shadows
Bi-polar disorder is fun, well, that’s until I start thinking I can run the world. Then things start to get a bit complicated. It’s hard to describe when these fingers don’t even have the energy to manipulate the keys. The clock on the wall is ticking. Dust is gathering on the bookshelves and the rays of sunlight have vanished into the solemn hour of midnight.
awake in a dream—
reality bites
my dog
What I know about mental illness is that stability comes with a price tag. To have lived a life benefiting from the adrenaline rush of mania seems at first to be a blessing. But then there’s the curse of grandiose thinking and risky behavior not to mention depression looming on the other end of the bridge.
Here, in the middle of that lonely bridge, there stands a fairy with a medicine box clutched in her outstretched hand. Here, there is no turning back. Here, there is no empathy, no emotion played away on the black and white keys of a grand piano. Here I’m just another cardboard silhouette casually propped up in a department store window. Here, there is no shore. Time traces fingerprints on the window. The window opens and I step out onto the crowded street.
got a problem?
take a pill . . .
follow the winding stream
I take a careful step or two, stagger and then stand still. I pause for another breath and then lean into the wind. I’m not sure where I’m headed but I think I see a light ahead. This dream may really be for nothing but nothing’s ever felt so real.
somewhere buried
deep inside—
a clock-spring marking time
Originally Published: Scryptic Magazine, Issue 1.4
